The therapeutic affect of being TRULY listened to goes mostly unspoken but its value should not be undervalued - it can be a life changer.
What do I mean by being TRULY listened to? Don't we all listen every day and hear how old Mrs Jones down the road is today; what the news is reporting from our tv screens; what the boss wants and how our family and friends are? We may think we have heard fully and respond accordingly but have we FULLY heard or are we assuming, not understanding but putting our own interpretation on the situation? Did we enter the speaker's world as they spoke? What is this illness or difficult situation like for them; what are they really asking us to do, are they asking us to do anything at all, are they 'off loading' or not making clear what they really need?
As the listener have we given the speaker our full attention? I guess there are a lot of times that the answer will be No because we are very busy people, we have stuff of our own going on in our heads, we haven't been trained to do this most valuable job of TRULY listening.
Listening is not just about hearing words, although this is, of course, vital. Our ears are not our only listening equipment - our eyes listen too. They see facial expressions and sadness, pain or anger in the speakers eyes. Fidgeting and other body language informs the listener how the speaker is at this time of talking. Are they comfortable or uncomfortable, is there an urgency in their tone or voice; are they struggling to get what they want to say out; are they looking at you or avoiding meeting your eyes? These things tell the listener if you are to be trusted or whether the talker is in agony with shame, mistrust, feeling helpless, grieved, hurt or lost. Will you give them advice or dismiss what they say as wrong/nonsense or encourage them to say more/explain further?
Sometimes help is being asked for; other times its about saying thoughts out aloud that helps to untangle a confusion, clarify and move them forward.
Things to look for, especially if you feel the talker is in a very low mood or constantly tearful
- Is their appearance clean ie. clothes, hair etc?
- Are they sleeping alright?
- Are they taking prescribed medication?
- Are they comfort eating or smoking excessively, over consuming alcohol, gambling etc?
- Are there signs of self-harming or not wanting to eat?
There is a lot more to 'listening' than most of us are aware of and to be truly attentive to the person speaking takes a lot of effort. We have to put aside our own stuff that fills our heads and time. We have to have a level of compassion, if not total empathy with the speaker, in short we need to love people, value them as unique and precious people.
Being truly listened to gives the speaker WORTH. They know when someone they are speaking to is pre-occupied or right there with them. They know whether they are being understood or whether the listener thinks they know better and give off vibes of 'pull yourself together'. The listeners body language is important too.
As a trained and experienced counsellor, now retired, I have seen lives blossom like flower buds opening before my eyes. People I have sat with have changed from insecure human beings to determined and more confident people; I have witnessed grief to the depth of the person wanting to die too and then heard how they have made small steps into living a full life again. It has been an immense privilege to hear the stories of souls in this way and to journey the process of change alongside them.
Counselling training and practice gave me skills that have served me well, not only as a listener but in my own life too.
If you have need to be truly heard I recommend person-centred counselling. You can access a local counsellor via the BACP or Counselling Directory websites.
