Size

There will always be people in better shape than I am - people slimmer, people better dressed, people who look younger than their years.  Why do we aspire to be like them and not accept ourselves the way we look?  Media has a huge role in this concept of what is 'normal' and promote 'healthy' foods, diets, how to dress to maximise your 'best bits' etc.

There will always be people larger than myself, bigger busted, curvy hips, rounded.  They look womanly and cuddly to me.  Some of the best people in my life are of the 'fuller figure'.  I don't see their shape, I see them.  They are lovely and special, but I know they have their struggles with self-concept.

Being lean you can usually guarantee the shops will have your size of clothing, you look taller, you look healthy and fit.  This could be an optical illusion - is your body getting enough nourishment and refreshment?  Do you get enough calcium so that if you fall without a layer of fat to protect you, your bones may be prone to breaking more easily?  If you are lean and ill you look gaunt and older, whereas if you are more ample in size this tends not to be so noticeable.

Thin people can still encounter unkind comments, bullying and ridicule.  At school I was known as 'barge pole' or 'Boneo' (the leanest dog food).  It is laughable now but at the time it was very hurtful as one girl in particular loudly chanted it, laughed at me and threatened to break my bones at the gate after school had done for the day.  I would often run home afraid she would catch me.  Terror stuck I would hand over any money I had on a weekly basis.  Looking back she was not much bigger than I was in size but she had a loud mouth - excess confidence and knew her power over me.

Another girl, actually as thin as I was but very pretty and blond, also 'teased' me - played tricks on me and had me in tears not giving back things she took of mine and hid them, things I needed and would be in trouble for not having at school.  I also suffered mocking in the school showers not being so developed as my peers.

School days can be cruel.  My experiences are bland compared to others but unfortunately these bad early experiences have a psychological affect for the rest of our lives if we let them.  We become our own bully - self-berating ourselves, using self-put down statements like "I'm stupid; I'm useless; I'm a failure; I can't get anything right".  These statements are lies.  We can all muster some times we have succeeded, been important in someone elses life, made good decisions. 

Words stick in our brains like unhealthy fat to our internal organs.  May be it is not dieting from food but cutting out unhelpful mindsets that would make us happier, healthier and more confident human beings?  Are you still carrying the weight of school day abuse?  Is it time to be rid of him or her, their voice of taunts and messages of condemnation?  A good counsellor is worth her weight in gold.  Letting go of years of torment is freeing - it gives you head space for new and exciting pathways.  Don't kid yourself you can't change - all things are possible with a bit of help from your friends, family and/or a counsellor.

Go for it.  I did and my life is so much richer.  I think I would have been a shrinking violet without it.

20 sit ups

 

I added in an extra component to my 60 day challenge yesterday.  Exercise!  My daughter is my inspiration, she maintains her 'skinny minnie' figure by a very vigorous regime of exercise and enjoys it.  She always looks amazing and I hear others say so too, so it is not just a mother being proud of her offspring.  She is, of course, 23 years younger than I.  Her tummy is what I think a tummy should look like but then my post-birth flab and a scar overhang from a hysterectomy in my 40's is my excuse for a protruding midriff.

 

At the leisure centre once a week I burn off a few hundred calories in the gym, followed by a swim, jacuzzi and sauna. I enjoy it but it doesn't cut mustard. It makes no difference.

 

So yesterday at home I got down on the floor, with a pillow under my head for support, and pushed myself to do 20 sit ups.  I could not pull up enough for my finger tips to reach my knees, but I did my best.

 

This morning I can 'feel' that I did that exercise, whereas I never feel anything after my hour or so in the gym except for hot and sweaty.  My back and tummy muscles are awake and letting me know it!  I don't like the sensation but my head is saying 'no pain, no gain'.  Not sure whether this is true or not but will probably keep doing 20 sit ups a day for the rest of my challenge and see if there is any tummy improvement. 

Food, glorious food.

 

Did the Daily Mail read my Blog entitled 'The Bake Off'?  In last Saturday's newspaper a whole page was devoted to the tv cookery shows.  I'm glad I wrote about it first!

 

 

I did another calculation last night.  I am 60.  Multiply that by 3 meals a day.  Multiply that by 365 days in a year.  Total - 25,700 meals in my life time thus far.  Minus the days I was ill and did not eat and pre-weaned days - let's call it a round 25,000 meals.

 

 

Do I remember any of them?  Not especially, unlike my dearest who can tell you what he ate on the 5th December 1967!  What is that about?  I have eaten 25,000 meals and don't remember them!  I must be a mechanical eater.  I apologise to those who have cooked for me - how rude that I don't remember their carefully prepared and offered delicacies.

 

 

One friend always does me a salmon dinner when I visit as she knows I like that - thank you for this consideration; another offered me sausage rolls when I told her I can't eat pork - we laughed about that for years.  I have been offered ham sandwiches too when I had told the host 'no pork' when she asked about preferences.  Don't people know sausage and ham is pork?  I have bought some Quorn sausages today.  See how they fare.

 

 

We have food 'fads' too - who hasn't had periods of life when they turn their nose up at sprouts, mushy peas or swede?  Then, later in life, acquire a taste for them.  Do our taste buds change the older we get, or are we just more adventurous with foods?  I had never tasted a curry until I married, now though I have gone off them, over spicy and over-rated in my opinion.  I am an old fashioned girl that prefers old fashioned British foods.  Oh, I have just remembered a meal - on one of my first trips abroad.  I was in Marathon, Greece and had consumed 12 days of my introduction to 'foreign' food.  I do love Greek dishes but craved something plain and simple so went to the local taverna and, through sign language, asked for good old fashioned egg and chips.  It was heaven!  What are your food memories or fads?  Do leave a comment below.....

I can cook!

So - voice in my head that says "I can't do it" - there!  I have tried a variety of SW recipes and not had one dinner I did not like.  I was proud of my achievements and have now, excitedly, written a list of others I want to try!  This is some progress for me.

I discovered two of my neighbours are on the same diet so now there is more to chat about other than the weather.  They swap ideas and even food sample so that must be very helpful.  I have felt very isolated/lonely in this dieting regime as it is not a topic I am used to talking about - food.  Food does not thrill me, it has been a necessary evil each day as my head says "I can't be bothered" and quickly follows with the false belief that "I can't do it".

A small flame of interest is burning now and it is something everyone has in common - we all eat.  So the company of others who talk 'same diet info' was welcome for a short time on the driveway of our houses in the afternoon sunshine.  I have, more than once, considered joining the SW club nearby but my neighbour, who goes "just to be weighed" didn't encourage me and by telling me the cost etc. put me off.  Why can't she weigh herself at home?  Is it a sense of accountability?  Someone else knowing how you are doing, egging you on towards your weight-loss goal?

I wish now I had measured my waist prior to commencing (or should I say 'non-waist').  I am not obsessed with weighing myself as I know that can be counter-productive as it naturally fluctuates day by day, week by week.  I do have a set of bathroom scales and use those periodically so I do know I have lost 3kg (whatever that is in 'old money').  I don't have a goal as such, I would like to lose a stone, so by my dodgy mathematics converting kg to lbs, I am half way there.

Thankfully I am not prone to self-sabbotage that I am aware can take place when dieting. When weightloss does't happen quickly, steadily or at all, then some can throw it all up in the air and 'pig out'/gorge/binge then regret it and, when they have got over the guilt and bout of whatever caused them to de-rail, they eventually start again.  Thankfully again, my need is not as crucial.  My health is not at risk from carrying excess weight.  My heart and emotions are really touched by stories of unsucessful attempts; hurting bodies, low moods, lack of willpower/self worth etc.  I wish I could help other than listening, encouraging, empathising, suggesting possible solutions.  At the end of the day inside your own home and own head, it IS a one-person only journey.

As the old croner Frank Sinatra sang :

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

(Did you sing along?)

Mountain Tops and Valleys

Life never seems to run smoothly, or if it does slip into routine I crave for some excitement.  I have complained "we never do anything" when that statement is totally untrue!  I have had a run of 'doing' things and I am now wishing to be at home doing nothing much at all.  The washing and ironing have piled up, house and garden work neglected and routine meal times are hard to maintain.  Planning and grocery shopping become difficult and before long the 'highs' of 'doing' tire me out, stop me in my tracks and if I am not careful, become 'lows' of  'just being'.  And so the circle of life goes on - ups and downs with a few intermittent level plains.

Add into the pot of life the turning of summer (my favourite season) into autumn with winter looming to send an instant shiver down my spine.  Coats, hats, scarves, gloves, dark mornings/evenings and disagreements about having the central heating on will soon be here again. 

I know I am spoilt and privileged - I see the news of people living displaced and fearful in tents and squalor, but even so mood swings happen.

Living one day at a time, enjoying the mountain top moments, the stability of home comforts and riding through the lows is the only way.  Tomorrow may be better or worse, we do not know what is around the next corner.  Today is enough, it is ok.  It is manageable, do-able.  Seize the day - Carpe diem.

A 90 year old friend awakes and realises each day she is still alive; she gets up and as she says "keeps putting one foot in front of the other, that's all you can do".  Another 98 year old hardly knows she is in and of this world yet she too wakes up each day and breathes on.  Mostly we don't choose our end date, it chooses us.  The choice we do have is how to be in our heads whilst we still have our marbles.

The power of positive thinking is a way to make us happier and lead a full life encompassing the highs and lows each day can bring.  Having a project, a goal, something to look forward to, or a hobby to engage our time in all help our mood and personal development.

It will soon be 'staying in' days so I am making the most of going out days - like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter, I have had a full and interesting summer.  Lots of good memories to keep me going through to next spring.

Day Tripper 2

For 53 years the iconic television soap was filmed at the same studios in Manchester.  My parents watched Coronation Street in black and white when it first hit the screen.  The signature tune also became bedtime at the end of the programme. I remember those first characters and have grown up with Ken, Dennis, Elsie, Deidre, Bet, Betty and all the others.

I feel privileged to have toured the set where Gail, Sally, Steve, Kevin etc will have gone to daily as their workplace.  I saw the dressing rooms of Beverley Callard, Sally Dyvenor, Jack P Shepherd and current cast members; stood in the wardrobe area and makeup area; and feasted my eyes in amazement at the scene sets.

 

Even the barge where Ken had his fling was open sided for all to see.  Everything looked so much smaller than on screen and we were told of camera trickery.

I pulled the pumps in the Rovers Return and saw the Bafta and other trophies won by the longest
television 'soap' of all time.  Deidre's glasses, Uncle Albert's bowler and Ena Sharples hairnet were among memorabilia cases.  Hayley's and Fred Elliot's coffin lay on a podium surrounded by RIP plaques of other characters who had died out of the series.  Becky, Dev's and Rita's wedding attire cheered us and seeing Roy's train set fascinated us.

Stepping out onto the cobbles to the well known music of the signature tune was surreal.  Cameras and phones clicked away as visitors posed outside the Kabin, Jack and Vera's cladded house frontage and all the other familiar places in both Coronation Street and Rosamund Street.  The exterior of the Rovers Return was quite a distance from its interior setting and we were informed of the number of hours and crew needed to film one scene.

I walked the 'ginnel' and felt the cobbles beneath my feet.  Wow what a mood booster trip.  I'm sure I will watch 'Corrie' more avidly now knowing one or two 'inside' stories and things to watch out for.

And a GOLD STAR to Marks and Spencer, Chester and Manchester, for providing a healthy and yummy alternative to sandwiches for lunch.  King Prawns with a thousand island dressing dip in a little plastic container, followed by a fresh fruit mix pot.  Very enjoyable and refreshing.

Day Tripper 1

Chester

A lovely sunny September day in Chester town, with its beautiful buildings, quaint shops and plentiful eating establishments. 

 

 

Retail therapy is a great tonic.  A new bag, a winter coat and a few small Christmas presents has picked up my mood.  A good friend and I chattered away to our heart's content, perused the shops and merchandise then sat on a bench warming ourselves in the afternoon sun people watching.  There are a lot of buskers, street entertainers, religious and cafe placard holders all competing for attention. 

 

 

A few hours of relaxation out of ones usual surroundings is good for the soul.  Also I was very self-aware of my eating out choices and feel satisfied I did my best.  A good day all round.

Consumer Rights

A meal out with friends sees me choosing from the 'Lite Bites' menu for 'mains' and I had a 'starter' for dessert.  My meal was no smaller than anyone elses - half a roast chicken, side salad and enough chips for two people.  Needless to say my plate looked like it hadn't been touched when the waitress collected it.  I picked at the chicken, enjoyed a good many chips (ooops) and tickled the salad.  The melon balls, raspberries and lemon sorbet were very refreshing.

Why don't restaurants, coffee shops and supermarkets cater for dieters?  It is big business after all.  Vegetarians get an option on menus; there are Polish, Chinese, Indian and Mexican choices in our supermarkets, and yes there are some Weight Watchers products and vegetarian items in freezers.  But shelf foods are not so easy to spot.  There is a 'free from' quarter of a section for those with food intolerances.  Packaging does have colour coding re healthy choices and how many calories are contained in 100g of the product if you want to stand there and work it out.  But would it not be prudent to have an aisle, and space on a menu, especially for dieters?  Calories, Points, Syns - clear guidance.  Surely I'm not the only one who would give up or make an unhealthy choice because I couldn't find the 'light' alternative or recipe item contained in a Slimmers World dish.

Listen up Mr Sainsbury, Mr Morrison, Mr Asda, Mr Tesco and all directors of pub chains that offer food.  Dieting is big business!  You could be earning more dosh with a bit of creative thinking.  Just ask a dieting member of staff.  Make diet food shopping easier for 'food lazy' people like me.  We don't want to waste time scouring shelves for best choices - put them together in one section please.
Yours sincerely, Slimming Sue.

Bad News

Another friend has 'the big C'.  She had an operation to remove it but now it seems she will be having a masectomy to prevent it spreading any further.  It is a cruel disease for sure.

It makes my concerns seem pathetic and futile. "What's the point?" my head asks.  Friends who have dieted over the years tell me it is not the life changing experience you hope for.  Certainly they haven't changed their eating habits - what makes me think I will?  They tell me losing weight is the easy part, maintaining it is more difficult.  So, in the face of bad news it all seems like a waste of time and effort.  "Why can't we just take a pill to nourish us," my brain wails - well I told you I am lazy with food.

Other people's lives affect our own.  If we are around happy people we are happy; if we are around miserable people it is hard to keep chirpy.  The same can be said of illnesses others suffer, being caring and cheerful comes naturally to some, but for others it drains the energy; lowers the mood and they want to hide away or pretend it's not happening.  In my 20's and 30's I did so much hospital visiting, funeral attending and bereavement visiting that I became immune to the grief of it all.  I drifted along in life accepting loss like a trooper.  Just hearing sad news now takes me back to those dark joyless years. 

(This was shared on Facebook today)

 

Life is hardly ever smooth sailing, rough seas of life toss us and turn us.  Instead of pushing on towards our goal sometimes we abandon ship.  We have a pity party and wallow in the depths of "what's the point?". 

 

I am grateful that, having been 'in the pit' many times in the past I now have the wisdom to prevent my own depression.  I 'pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again'.  I know people are watching me, I know I affect others, I know the only way is to 'keep calm and carry on'.  So, I guess along with making the mindless decision of what to wear today, I will also semi-conciously decide what to eat today too.  Life continues - I will be grateful for what I have and make the most of it.  I will be happy despite all the unhappy happenings around me.  The alternative is not an option.





4 Chocolates

On the eve when Scotland had spent the day voting whether to become Independent or not I was babysitting our great-nephews.  Before the parents left for a night out I was presented with a 'thank you' gift - a big box of Milk Tray chocolates and a bottle of wine.  Niiiice.

 

I rarely eat chocolate these days as my body has had more than enough of it over the years - it rejects it big time the following day.  Three chocolates would be my normal tolerance level but once opened they looked so lovely.

 

I told myself that I was doing well with the diet and not had many 'syns' for a while.  It would be OK to indulge.  I clearly forgot the other affect of eating chocolate after 9pm.  It activates the brain and made me dream.  I dreamt the world was collapsing - buildings falling down and horrendous dust.  Traffic jams on roads and people running for their lives.  So now I am awake with a headache; Scotland voted 'No' so we are still a United kingdom and my tum is telling me to head for the bathroom!

 

My chocoholic days are over.  I miss them sometimes.  Not a day would go by without a Flake, Bounty or Cadbury's Fruit and Nut bar.  I was introduced to this wonderful food when I was about 4 years old.  I remember it distinctly - visiting an aunt and being presented with a China plate of Cadbury's chocolate fingers.  My own fingers were soon covered in melting chocolate as I held a few to eat.  It became a great treat at Easter and Christmas - I got a real taste for it.  It became a habit when I started work and could buy my own supply.  I had a love affair with it for over 40 years.  So I guess it is natural to yearn about the loss in my life.

 

It has long been replaced with 'breakfast' bars and during this challenge by fruit.  I do like fruit with its varieties of tastes and colours but it can be equally as messy.  An orange peeled is so juicy, a ripe pear dribbles down my chin and pineapple, kiwi and plums all need tissues, wipes or a flannel after eating.

 

Times change.  Scotland's referendum will change things in Britain.  Nothing stays the same forever.  Changes are sometimes for our good and very necessary for a better life.

I'm glad Scotland voted to stay connected and in partnership for now but I guess that in another generation this might not always be the case.

Motivation

I am not in a good frame of mind.  My default button has got a grip - "I can't do this.". I am asking myself "why did I set myself this challenge?" and telling myself "I'm doing it wrong."  At the time the challenge seemed like a good idea and my reasons justified.

 

I haven't planned my 3 days of cooking and it's Tuesday already.  There aren't enough hours in a day and it has slipped from being my main priority.  I am up early each morning to write.  Writing is no problem, even enjoyable but getting up early is very tiring.  Tiredness causes the brain to 'run out of steam', encourages NATs (negative automatic thoughts) and lowers my mood and enthusiasm.

So, in my head I am reminding myself of the reasons I gave myself a 60 day challenge.  I know I will continue and I know I will 'get a grip' and look up recipes again today and shop for ingredients.  Salad days are growing less as autumn approaches - another obstacle to overcome - keeping warm as being anything less triggers my brain to want warm food.

 

Determination is something I do have when I set my mind to something I really want.  I grin and bear it until I reach my goal.  Only if it is affecting my health or important relationships will I adjust my 'grit'.  Having an end date to work towards on one-hand is a good way of managing.  As the count down to the goal nears relief that it will soon be all over helps motivate that last push. 

 

Having people know where I am at with the challenge is also a motivation factor.  I'm doing it to encourage, inspire or interest them as well as proving something to myself.  But this challenge is not about 'proving' I can diet and write, but that 'head stuff' happens to us all on a daily basis and is rarely talked about.  It CAN be mastered/tamed/controlled.

 

Reminding myself of the goal is great motivation.  Now, where's that recipe book .......

Life, in all its fullness....

Today my pen doodles as I ponder on what to write about.  Everything pales into insignificance and seems unimportant when one is told your best friend has a serious type of cancer.

What does it matter if I have a bit of a tum that I'm struggling to flatten?  What does it matter what I eat and don't eat?  Why do all the good people get this disease?

I know it well, this damn disease, that has taken so many of my relatives; and of friends relatives and friends.  There are some wonderful success stories of women overcoming breast cancer and that is great progress in my lifetime but the cruel disease, when in other parts of the body, has not been eradicated by medical research yet.

Life goes on, of course.  Everyone goes about doing what they do only now with a lump of sadness that sticks in the throat, a well of tears sit behind the eyelids waiting for the appropriate release time.  A pit of despair hits your stomach and an unwanted thought troubles your head.  Your heart is heavy but the day dawns and beckons you to rise and go about your daily rituals - work, eat, rest, sleep.

Thank God for my faith.  That I KNOW for sure there is more to life that this.  That a day is coming when there will be no more tears, pain will cease and joy will abound.

Back on Track

The three day meal plan is back in place again and appropriate food stuffs bought ready to cook.  I think next week I need to do a five day plan but I can now see why I lost the plot last week.

My normal (before diet) routine is to consume what my 'other half' cooks for dinner, perhaps 3 or 4 times a week.  He loves cooking, he loves being master of his own food choices, he likes food shopping and experimenting with various world-wide dishes. Of course, a girl like me (naturally lazy around food) loves a man who will cook for her.  Dieting has made this become a hurdle to negotiate.  I want to be in control of what and when I eat, so conflict in the kitchen could occur.  So I slipped into my old ways last week which, now identified, will have to be addressed. I will have to know what his meals are going to be (usually healthy foods and very tasty) and monitor my portion control as his is mostly too much for me.  I often leave some, it goes in the fridge for the next day, then I forget and have something else.  Note to self : freeze all leftovers for another time.

So my 60 day challenge does not just concern me, it has an affect on those around me.  When I go out with friends I have noticed my food and drink choices influences theirs.  "What are you having?" is a much asked question.  Why it sways our choice I'm not sure. It is a tough old business this dieting, not something to be undertaken lightly.

I have heard a lot of people berate themselves over their 'lack of willpower', 'lack of self-discipline' etc.  It sends them into a depression and vicious circle which makes things worse by causing them to 'comfort' eat when really they didn't want to.  Thankfully, I have not fell prey to this trick of the mind and am back on track again.

Failure

I don't allow this word into my vocabulary.  What is failure anyway except for the fact of never trying?

I could tell you that I failed to stick to the diet plan at the weekend but because I am going to continue ie. I have no plans to quit the challenge, I don't see that having allowed a little of my old ways to creep in that means I've failed.

I failed my 11+ exam and to make matters worse I was not the only one in my class not to pass.  I have spent most of the rest of my life proving to myself and others that I can pass exams.  I have a folder full of certificates to prove it.  I stopped collecting these self-affirming trophy's a few years back when I learnt the lesson it's not who you are on a CV that matters but how you do what you do that counts.

I didn't really want to go to grammar school as an 11 year old.  I thought it daft to have a uniform that included indoor and outdoor shoes; a boater hat for the summer months and a felt bowler in the colder months.  As a youngster I was not thinking of my education or the future but I lived in the moment and favoured a school where boys went too.

I've no regrets having done OK without a 'first class' education.  I've had good jobs, held responsible posts and earned enough to now draw a works pension.  I guess that's turning what others put on me as 'failure' into 'success'.  It wasn't the root others around me took but 'I did it my way' as old Frank Sinatra sings.

A diet plan is an aid not a gospel.  If I go off track for a day or two what does it matter?  Maybe I won't achieve my goal but I will still have trod the path of the challenge.  I will have tried and done what was right for me at the time.  After all, TODAY is all we have for sure.

I have failed to swim the channel, do a parachute jump or cook an Indian meal (I feel sure I could do the latter two) but I have no desire whatsoever to do these or many many other things that the rich tapestry of life offers us to experience.  However if I have a desire to do something I would try, stick at it and push through barriers to conquer it but I would also know my limitations and have no qualms in admitting defeat if my own mental or physical health was at risk.  There is no shame in that.  It is a strength not a weakness knowing our limits.

I have had to leave a job for my sanity; change places of worship to protect my soul; broken relationships where good life was being sucked out of me and pushed through in other relationships where I have felt able.  I am happy with my life, love who is in it and make the most of each day where and whenever possible. I AM HAPPY with my 'lot'. ☺

Superfree food

 

Blackberries on this diet are 'Superfree foods'.  They are actually superdooper free - pick your own in hedgerows during September in a lane near you.

 

The last time I did this was 7 years ago - seven years ago!  I was in France with my friend Rose and we left our men to go country walking whilst we scrambled the hedgerows.  We had containers but no hand wipes and, as usual with this pursuit, one ends up rather juicy/sticky/messy. 

 

Having walked to the local store in the countryside nearby I noticed the blackberries sparkling in the sunlight amongst the greenery of the hedges so returned to find containers, hand wipes, carrier bag etc.

 

During our leisurely hour we met a chap who says blackberry picking is a fading activity as the computer generation find it 'boring'.  There is a downside to the activity - you are likely to get stung by the nettles that grow up and in the brambly hedgerows; then there is the prickly thorns of the brambles that will prick your hands or fingers and make you bleed if you are not careful.  There are cobwebs to avoid and all sorts of spiders.  But the butterflies were lovely and the fruitful reward can not be compared to an hour in front of a TV or computer screen.

 



Going Public

Trying to lose weight is an individual desire and no-one way fits all.  Most 'dieters,' at one time or another, have joined a group for support and accountability.  It spurs them on to hear of others' struggles and what has helped them overcome such times and reach their goal.  In some groups they stand on the scales in front of their fellow dieters - rejoicing or commiserating their loss or gain of weight.

Going public brings with it that much needed support but also an accountability.  Now your friends and family have expectations of you.  They want to know your progress and that can add pressure to succeed or shame and guilt when all is not going well.  So a lot of people try to diet/change their eating habits alone, silently enduring the journey of ups and downs.

I haven't joined a group but most of my friends and a few family members know of my 60 day challenge.  Friends in particular are interested in my progress and a few are reading this blog.  I can report that Week 1 - I was enthusiastic; Week 2 - I got practical - planning, shopping, cooking.  Now that I am going into the third week, and tired, I am not so enthusiastic and wondering how I will manage this week as my busy life fulfils me far more than food! 

Evenings

People who are grieving a spouse tell me "the evenings are the worst."  At the end of the day when the jobs are done, people are seen, and you are alone again with the door shut and curtains drawn, the time to relax brings a new void.  They wonder what can I do now - watch tv, read a book, knit, do a jigsaw - but there is still an emptiness, a loss.

It seems disrespectful to liken their loss to the similar thought patterns regarding food in the evening, but I am anything but restful in the evenings lately. 'Loss' comes in many guises - divorce, moving house, unemployment, loss of being single when married, loss of fertility, retirement etc.  Smaller losses like a ring or sentimental item, your purse, wallet, driving licence or passport, has you wandering about the house or retracing steps until you either find the lost item or come to terms with it not being in your life anymore.  Replacements just aren't the same because they remind you of the loss.

In the evenings, after having had 3 meals a day and my quota of 'syns' there is a loss, a void going on for me which brings an extra challenge.  This is when I want to snack - a packet of crisps or peanuts with a weekend glass of wine, half a dozen biscuits to dunk in my hot chocolate, a piece of cake or toast for supper.

Just saying the word 'supper' takes me straight back to childhood when 'supper' was the fourth and last food intake of the day - just a glass of milk and two biscuits.  The definition of 'supper' is: 'a light evening meal'  So the suggestion is 4 meals a day - breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper.  Perhaps that's the loss I'm feeling, perhaps I should re-engage with my childhood eating pattern as, from my evening meal at 6 pm until 10/11pm when I go to bed, it is a long time not to eat.  So what to have is the question.  Crackers maybe, or Rice Cakes, one piece of toast, a bowl of cereal, some rice pudding.  Or maybe I will detach 'pudding' from dinnertime and have that at 9pm.  Sounds like a plan.  Let's see if it fills that gap of 'something missing' and the longing for my old routine of familiarity back again.

 

Write on!

There are two parts to my 60 day challenge and so far I have only written about the first part.  The challenge is to a) diet and b) write every day.  I don't always write straight onto the computer so some days my blogs won't appear until a few days later.  But my notebook is getting well used, so dear readers keep following...

Writing is easy for me, it's natural, part of who I am and what I do.  It is a form of therapy as I scribble the words that are in my head onto paper.  I can write if I'm happy or sad, angry or hurt, confused or needing to make a decision, feeling poetical, spiritual or caring.  Words come, and through my pen, enable release or comfort, inspiration or laughter.

Writing wasn't always with a pen - I'm old enough to remember chalk on a small wooden edged blackboards (teacher used chalk on a wall board and used a wooden block with a felt surface to wipe it off again).  As a child at school we used pencils and when the lead broke or went blunt we would go to the teacher's desk and use a clamped on pencil sharpener to bring our writing implement back to a useful state.

 

In top junior class, having mastered double writing, Quink ink filled our fountain pens.  No, I'm not old enough to remember inkwells and scratchy nib pens!  It was a messy business pressing the metal bar on the rubber tube that sucked up a barrel of ink to last a day or two of writing in our exercise books.  We very often made a splodge on the page that had to be soaked up on our green sheet of blotting paper.  Teacher would then invariably put a red pen mark around the splodge with a 'see me' or other scary comment written in the margin when our work was handed in.  If the splodge wasn't on the page or desk it gave our fingers a blue stain.

 

 Thankfully cartridge pens were soon invented but he humble Biro is a winner by far.  You can find one in every household, every handbag or briefcase, every desk or kitchen drawer, even down the side of the sofa.  We use them to write lists and reminders, do crosswords or suduko, draw diagrams and add up figures.  Some of us still write letters with them.  Now though, we are writing less and less as computers, ipads and mobile phones take over - writing becomes a less used medium.  But for me, there is nothing like holding a pen and have it float across a blank page until it is full.  Write on! 

Review

"How's it going?" people want to know. 
"Ok," is the short reply, a bit like we say 'fine' when asked how we are, but the challenge I have set myself wasn't meant to be easy.

The first week was hard, no so much as changing eating habits, but the 'head' stuff that went on begging me to give up at the first hurdle was the biggest challenge.  However, I pushed on through the negative chatterings.  This week has gone easier, even a little bit of enjoyment and pride crept in as I planned meals three days at a time and tried a few new recipes/dishes.  I was pleased with my efforts, but at the moment it is still just that, an effort.  And those chatterings tell me I wont keep it up!  So I have to prove them wrong - hard work.

Today is exercise day.  Every Friday I go to the leisure centre - my gym and swim day - only for the last few weeks it became 'squashed'/a rushed swim only.  So, to get back on track today I will don my pedalpusher gym wear and trainers and head for the treadmill, bike and rowing machine.  They have made very little difference to my size for as long as I have been going and I know I should be doing sit ups or 'the plank' but getting down on the floor and up again is so undignified at my ripe age. 

Last month a woman 10 years my senior was 'on the mat' doing an exercise she said was good for the tum, so I joined her and copied her exercise.  I had back pain for 10 days afterwards!  So I am keeping away from the floor.  Perhaps I'll ask the personal trainer on duty what they recommend for an older person to undertake to rid the midrift bulge.  "But," my head says, "how will they know, they're all of 12 years old with a figure that hardly needs working at."  And so I probably wont ask!

At least at the gym I will be able to do what all dieters do and that is get on the scales.  This too is a head ache - if I've lost weight how will that be when I've been the same weight for as long as I can remember?  If I haven't lost weight will I be disappointed?  And God forbid if I have put weight on, I'll probably be throwing in the towel!  Thankfully the home scales are in need of a new battery so I have avoided this task so far.  Until today.......

The Bake Off

I defy anyone to watch The Great British Bake off television programme and NOT eat anything!  All those delicious looking cakes, breads, pies etc has you salivating and reaching for whatever is in the larder.

This week on the main 5 channels there are 47 programmes about food.  Magazine advertisements splash food in your face liberally; newspapers print 'health' columns about the benefits or drawbacks of eating and drinking common food staples - burnt toast is the latest big No No.  And if you visit your local library or bookstore the shelves of cookbooks and diet advice are overwhelming. 

Food is big money.  Chefs of distinction have their own brands of cookware, famous vegetarians launch their personal range of food packaging.  Food is in your face!

Having been to the supermarket to gather in a store of 'proper/good' food stuffs the bill came to double what it would normally be.  It seems healthy eating means valuing yourself monetarily.  But there were still things I wouldn't buy - cherries for example.  They seem so very expensive. 
"Hey, Mr Government, bring down the prices of healthy foods and put up the prices of ready meals, pizzas and crisps if you want us to make the right choices."

Talking of crisps - how many do you get in a packet these days?!  No wonder they aren't satisfying anyone and leading us to buy jumbo bags!  OK so now I am being a grumpy old woman. Let's get back to the Bake Off.

How does Mary Berry keep her figure?  Are some people genetically built that way regardless of what they eat?  Does she have a portion control policeman on her shoulder or does she have food allergies that prevent her from putting on weight?  Does she exercise every day or have servant to cook her meals?

I don't have a secret solution to my size but when stress or distress come into my life my stomach tightens and I lose my appetite until the anxiety passes.  In times of grief I eat 'baby' food - soup, rice pudding, toast, a glass of milk or cup of hot chocolate.  I eat very little when under pressure, angry, unwell or upset.  Whereas the opposite occurs for some of my friends.  It is those times I 'comfort' eat but I don't desire lots of chocolate, cake, biscuits, crisps.  The reason is deep seated.  These things were literally out of my reach as a child.  Self discipline not to overindulged was ingrained by circumstances out of my control and now they are within my control hard to shake off, but not impossible, if I want to change this lifetime habit/thought pattern.

Childhood and food memories/associations play a big part in our adult life.  Were you rewarded with food? Did you interpret an ice cream as a treat as a sign of love craved for?  Food is not the problem, it is our relationship with it that is.  It can be an addiction like a magnet gathering pins.  The pins can be useful and harmful.  We know that but still perpetuate the problem by repeating, repeating and repeating the same habits.  I hope to break the cycle of mine - the cycle that tells me 'I can't do this' or 'I can't be bothered.  50 days to go.  Now what do I do with this cake?