Evenings

People who are grieving a spouse tell me "the evenings are the worst."  At the end of the day when the jobs are done, people are seen, and you are alone again with the door shut and curtains drawn, the time to relax brings a new void.  They wonder what can I do now - watch tv, read a book, knit, do a jigsaw - but there is still an emptiness, a loss.

It seems disrespectful to liken their loss to the similar thought patterns regarding food in the evening, but I am anything but restful in the evenings lately. 'Loss' comes in many guises - divorce, moving house, unemployment, loss of being single when married, loss of fertility, retirement etc.  Smaller losses like a ring or sentimental item, your purse, wallet, driving licence or passport, has you wandering about the house or retracing steps until you either find the lost item or come to terms with it not being in your life anymore.  Replacements just aren't the same because they remind you of the loss.

In the evenings, after having had 3 meals a day and my quota of 'syns' there is a loss, a void going on for me which brings an extra challenge.  This is when I want to snack - a packet of crisps or peanuts with a weekend glass of wine, half a dozen biscuits to dunk in my hot chocolate, a piece of cake or toast for supper.

Just saying the word 'supper' takes me straight back to childhood when 'supper' was the fourth and last food intake of the day - just a glass of milk and two biscuits.  The definition of 'supper' is: 'a light evening meal'  So the suggestion is 4 meals a day - breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper.  Perhaps that's the loss I'm feeling, perhaps I should re-engage with my childhood eating pattern as, from my evening meal at 6 pm until 10/11pm when I go to bed, it is a long time not to eat.  So what to have is the question.  Crackers maybe, or Rice Cakes, one piece of toast, a bowl of cereal, some rice pudding.  Or maybe I will detach 'pudding' from dinnertime and have that at 9pm.  Sounds like a plan.  Let's see if it fills that gap of 'something missing' and the longing for my old routine of familiarity back again.